Whirlwind

I kind of feel like I'm in a whirlwind. The kind that slams you back and forth and hits you from all sides and shows no mercy to anything in its sight.

Details. Flights. Can my sister make it to Spain help me travel back? Appointments. Blood levels. Money. Paperwork. Teammates arriving. Would that have salt in it? Revision of my Will. How can my teammates help? The right info to the right people. Cry time. Fatigue. Meds alone have a life: 1 pill 30 minutes before breakfast, 14 at breakfast, 3 at lunch, 1 at 3:30, 2 with supper, and 8 at night time. It's literally getting hard to swallow.

I also feel like this whirlwind is relatively soothing, swishing me back and forth, gently inviting me to join in.

Trust. Peace. Faith, not sight. Joy and Pain co-existing. To live is Christ, to die is gain.

10 years ago my kidneys failed. I was in a depression before that even happened, and it was a horrible experience. It was like being in a bubble and watching everyone outside trying to figure out how to help me, their mouths moving yet me not hearing. Most of the time I felt hopeless, lost, alone, despite the best efforts of those around me. I was scared to die but wanted to.

This time my life is way different. I am no longer the same. I have been crucified with Christ, and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me! I want to live out God's will for me in Christ Jesus, which is that I be thankful in all circumstances. I feel extremely connected to my family in Christ who suffers along with me and shares this burden. I need them. I trust Christ in them.

And to those who are entering this whirlwind with me, thank you for your love. I'm sorry for the pain that this causes you as well....but I'm glad we're in it together!